Sorry for the late update. I really don't want to end up having a blog that is all about my daily routine. Although sometimes I do find joy reminiscing what I did in the last few days. So usually, Christmas period is the busiest time of the year. This is due to mounting of submissions at the office before everyone goes idle for about 2 weeks and also having friends around for Fakhrul's birthday cum New Year. Yes, he was born on the 1st of January. I will never get to pretend I forgot.

Uff, Fakhrul looked like he was just about ready to pose, but not quite. But I was ready - that's the most important thing. HAHA. So anyway, we we spent most of our free nights having friends for sleep over, staying at London doing our fine dining and seriously, fine shopping.

OK. In my defense, I didn't find them, they found me. At least that was what Selfridges said. Some of other quotes hanging on the banners are like, "It's such an investment - I better get three" and "It's so cheap it's almost free". How the hell did they read my mind?

Massimo asked what is my new year resolution for '09. I told him I want to travel more this year. I feel like my time in this ever cold, wet and grey land is nearing to end hence I better make the most of it. So I bought plane tickets to Istanbul to fly on the end of February. I heard it is fantastic. I can't wait. Others in my waiting list are Santorini, Seville and Cairo. I just don't know if I can squeeze them all when I only have 11 months left. I'm keeping an optimistic mind. Should really stop getting those shoes and bags that costs a holiday for two. But it's so cheap, it's almost FREE !!

I had a good new year. I hope likewise for you. May all your dreams come true this year. Mine came true last year. Adieu.

When you're being painted or photographed, there is a sense of intimacy that is uncomfortably strong. Every inch of your being, your face particularly in a portrait is being observed and analyzed. You won't help feeling ashamed, unless you're a really confident person. You would smile to feel normal again, but he knows you're trying to hide your emotions. You would move your head hither and thither trying to avoid that awkward gaze but then he would ask you to stay still. You would look down and blushing, but he would need your eye contact to get into your soul. What would you do as a sitter?

So when Kikin asked me in Random whether if I would do a portrait of anyone, I couldn't quite explain my refusal until I can tell how awkward it might be to experience an intimate moment with strangers. Maybe being unprofessional I am, I just don't think I can bring out the best of someone that I barely know in a photograph. Portraits that I did aren't the best you've seen, but I admit there was a certain level of intimacy and closeness that almost everyone can feel when looking at them. I didn't "ambush" Tadika Tokai when I first came there. There's a story behind the series. My mother in law owned an unoccupied house in Tokai which she rented to an ustazah and I followed her there to meet Fakhrul's relatives when I learned about Tadika Tokai. After few more visits and getting to know the children and the ustazah, only I felt the urge to photograph them. It would be really hard not to do it by heart.

To become a sitter is one thing, but being a subject is another. In Fakhrul's case, likeness is not the point. Since camera was invented there is no reason why you should draw somebody exactly how you see it. How you interpret someone to the paper is up to you. What is so significant about him or her? Interpreting someone who wouldn't go out without a make up on her face by photographing her in front of a mirror, or interpreting someone who spends most of his free time sleeping by placing and photographed him under the duvet is nothing more but just simple personal opinion. The same you want to tell about somebody in a photograph by including a bit of landscape behind it, let it be a river or a kitchen, it is just another information or hints about that person. What they were doing or what they were watching won't matter, so long the moment is right.

I'm not very good with people and I'm easily misunderstood. Only those who know me well can be comfortable enough to become my sitter. I guess I have to get to know you first. So, maybe we can start with hello.

Sorry.

I just purchased two pairs of shoes in two weeks and all my inspiration has made its way down to my feet. I have no idea to write and no pictures to show except for pictures of  Marnis. Fakhrul is really, really mad but I am too! Don't you hate it when men think that women only need one pair of shoes like them or their dudes for every occassion or every outfit?

I'm going for my happy walk tomorrow, so try me again next week.

Love.S.

Wow, it was a real pleasure. I am sorry if I didn't respond enough. If I didn't reply or forgot to thank you. But know this - I am truly grateful. Especially to those who kept coming back to this nothingness of myself. To this mundane words and somewhat amateurish photographs. To just another girl in this world trying to live her life to the fullest. To me who tries to pursue every passion I have. For listening to my troubles and joy. For sharing my memories of the faces that matter to me the most, places I had been and everything else that I don't want to forget. For being around, without being here. For being loyal and faithful. For everything.

I will try to keep having words, hold to my camera and grow up a good long life, insyAllah. Although I do all this only for myself, without nothing to prove, nothing to gain and nothing to lose, your motivation is the most vital. I wouldn't know I am any good or any bad at anything without you telling me so. In this virtual world where I write and photograph, only you know.

So if you are not here, know that your presence will be truly missed. If you don't write back, I don't know who am I writing to. If you choose to leave, I don't know who to share this to. So thank you for being there, being here and hopefully, being in the future.

"Sebelum kejadian (naik unta)"

That was Nizam's comment of this photo when I posted it in my Facebook. As soon as I read it, I bursted into a big laugh and told Fakhrul how that embarrassing, stupid thing has really slipped off my mind. I never wanted to talk about it with anyone, except for my families. But I'm going to admit publicly today and try to write about one of the most embarrassing thing ever happened in my life.

So there I was, waking up one morning in Sahara Desert and I swear, there is nothing else so beautiful I've ever seen in my life. It was quiet, everything seemed so still, hardly any noise and there it was - an eternity of sandy ground lies before your eyes. The sun rising up slowly and as I chewed the Moroccan dry bread and refusing a cup of tea with mint leaves floating on top of it, my heart couldn't stop complimenting God's creation. The regret of getting on a 2 hours camel ride in the middle of the night with a gruesome sand storm that felt like death suddenly disappeared. It was totally worth it. I wouldn't do it again, but it was totally worth it.

After the lust for photography been fed by this beautiful views and those Berbers in their traditional clothes, we were set to go back to this town in Ourzazate where we started our journey from. I volunteered to get on the first camel. As I spreaded my leg wide open, I knew it - I had it all wrong. I got my film camera in my left hand and the other hand was holding a water bottle. My digital camera was literally choking my neck and the most important thing was, I parked my ass way too ahead to the neck of the camel. So the thing stood up, and mind you, it's not like some freakin' bicycle. It was 6 or 8 foot high.

I knew I was going to fall the moment I got on it, so my body just let myself go and my mind was like, "No - this can't be happening. Not with the rest of the group (some new friends from Miami and Brighton) watching, not with this camera with my new 85mm lens smashed in the sand and got all sandy inside. No. No. NO !" So I fell, and landed on my face. My ass was upside down. I totally resembled an ostrich trying to get some good night sleep. Oh, oh ooooh. Everybody laughed for a good 1 minute and I guessed it was that funny as it took awhile before somebody helped me up. And then I saw a grin on this local guide guy for the first time in 2 days. I made him almost smile.

I wiped off the sand on my face, calmed from the shock and painfully resisting not to punch James and Javi on their faces when I was being teased the whole 10 hours journey back to Marrakech over that incident. Yea, could've happened to anyone but it happened to me. No, there's no picture of me falling off because if there's any by either Nizam or Fakhrul, I'd be so mad I don't think I'd be married to one of them today. I wished it hadn't happened to me, but then again, how often do you meet someone who had embarrassingly fallen off from a camel before?

Well, here's one for you today.

Half way movie, hungry. Haven't eaten rice all day, what was I thinking having a crêpe and Nutella for lunch? It's like having dessert before your main course. So cooked some rice, pounded some chillies and onions, put in anchovies and garlic. Fried rice, almost tastes like Atok's but not quite. Finished the movie and it's only 8.43pm. Suddenly missing him. Haven't really seen him all week. Both busy working with deadlines, came home to a quick kiss and that was it. Tonight will be more. Long kiss and a cuddle. We owe each other.

Moved iMac nearer to the speakers, plugged it loud as the living room is mine tonight. Sang some songs. First Winehouse's Me & Mr Jones, then Simone's Ne Me Quitte Pas, then Monita's Keliru, then Mayer's Gravity and by the time it got to Queen's Don't Stop Me Now, got scared that it might've been too loud.

So now I'm writing this. With my body laid on the floor and my neck's starting to hurt. Not that you'd be interested but next time I'll try to be more pert.

I've been asked that question a lot in my life since I finished my course almost two years ago. Although I have no intention to stay in UK forever or any longer than 3 years from now, I usually wouldn't bother myself with replying with a long answer. And I never really have to sit down in a corner thinking about what am I doing here, in this country ever so dull and grey. I know why.

I know I got a lot of comfort back home. Without sounding so full of myself, my parents own an architectural practice with offices in Johor and K.L. Although medium sized, I could've easily gone back and practically have my own company, be my own boss, never have to do sinfully boring tasks like door schedules for three weeks and end up having a face like a door myself for doing too much of it. I can do my own design, choose my own project and have a partner status at the age of 25. Wow, how freakin' great is that?

I have Kak Nira at home, who is my maid since I was 12, literally my second mother because oh man, she spoilt me good. The best moment in Kajang was that I would wake up as late as I can and drive two miles without brushing my teeth first, with whatever I have on as my sleep ware and she will follow me just for the sake of getting out of the car to get the nasi lemak or roti canai. I am that lazy. She will make me the best Milo Ais no mamak can top and I'll have my 11 o'clock breakfast in front of TV. Afterwards, she'll ask me what I want to have for lunch or dinner and it will be like giving my "orders" to the best cook in the world. Ikan Keli masak Cili, Asam Pedas, Laksa, Soto, just say the words - she'll make it happen. And for afternoon tea, she'll make my favourite Kuih Koci or Bubur Pulut Hitam. Not mentioning my laundry being washed and pressed, she would even wait for me to get home at 2 am when sometimes I got carried away with my friends. Geez, can life be any better?

No - it doesn't get any better than that.

Here? Student years meant having to do labour work at M&S 16 hours a week and juggle it with whatever little remaining time left you had on your projects, having to extend your degree course for another year due to under performance. You worked hard because you're not a sponsored student neither from government or your parents, not because they didn't want to send you money - it was your conscious choice to refuse any. Life means having to pay £500 that you never really have and jump on a 13 hours flight for Kak Nira's Soto, your Asam Pedas comes out of a Brahim's packet and your laksa made out from sardines in can. Your food comes from M&S rejects, bargain bought from "Staff Waste Sale" on food running out expiry dates. Your walks to the shops are alone and cold, your emotional talks with true friends is 15p per minute and your Aidilfitri doesn't differ from any other normal days. Ikan Keli masak Cili and folded clean clothes in your wardrobe? Dream on.

So what am I doing here? After mentioning all that, it sounds like I probably have to reconsider sitting on that corner rethinking again of my reasons being in this foreign land, but no.

I am here because I don't want to get stuck in my comfort zone. I'm not saying I'm an adventurous kind, I wouldn't drink mint tea or ever repeat my painful journey to the Sahara Desert in Morocco again. I hate Spanish tapas and sushi but that's all they come with for a sit with my local friends. I want my life to mean something more than it did one month ago, or maybe five years ago when I first left home. I want to be able to grow old and not regret any moment passed where I could've done things in life differently. It would feel so easy there, almost effortless and even when there are any obstacles, life will be like 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' song, where troubles melt like a lemon drops and high above the chimney top that's where you'll find me.

With all this hardship and sorrow in this difficult life, every sugar tastes sweeter because you've tasted black thick tea your English friend usually makes for you, every tears are harder to cry because it won't be as sad when saw your manly fiancé cried when his father passed away and not being able to be back home as a son. Every one new friend that envy you won't be as annoying because you've been back-stabbed harder by another before, every cheap things are so expensive because there is nothing like saving up for 3 months to buy your £35 second hand camera.

Life's too short. How do you want to remember it?

Life is not measured by the numbers of breath we take, but by the places and moments that take our breath away.

-Anonymous

As I went through my pictures from Italy, it just came back in my head of how wonderful Siena is. The brownish colours of the city, the unexpected alleys that always lead back to Piazza Del Campo, the light that falls on the building walls, the laundry hanging by the window and the view of Tuscany landscape at the back of the Piazza.

The absence of tourists in Siena, unlike Rome and Florence, allowed us to feel the city and the old way of life of the Italians. The morning we arrived after a painful an hour bus ride from Florence was greeted by old-timers reading newspapers and walking at the same time. Sometimes they stop when they see familiar faces and have a quick chat before walking again. The smell of coffee filled up my nose and as I entered the main square, the hair on my back stood up.

We walked the medieval city map-less, lost every now and again but also found many surprises along the way. Every alley seems to be different from the other, every roads are not the same. But everywhere we went seem to be leading to the main square anyway, so we managed to come back where we started. As the tower clock rang its bell in the noon, people were filling up the square and restaurants around it too. Even so, the atmosphere didn't fail us like Florence and Rome usually did. Although we explored Siena even before we did Florence, we would give up our last day in Italy in Siena once again.

After Mecca, New York and Fes of Morocco - this is one of the best city I have ever been to.

I gotta do the laundry and properly finish unpack the stuff from Italy. Have to return this fabulous retro poster canvas back at TK Maxx cos Fakhrul thinks it's too girly for the living room. Gotta pick up some stuff from Afi that she brings from Malaysia, Vogue and B&W Photography Magazine have been lying there on the table waiting to be flicked and read and it's almost 2.30pm and I haven't cooked lunch !

Also have to go over to Kak Eda's and ask if she can come in on Wednesday cos the people are coming to change the storage heater, have to pay the Thames Water bill and return some DVDs at Blockbuster. Gotta finish the last few frames in the film so I can get it developed to see my Italy photos, gotta edit some digital ones and show it to Mama & Abah cos they've been asking for days and gotta figure out the warm-roof construction so that I can finish off the section and move on to the door schedules on Monday.

Am I the only one who thinks that weekends are never enough?

Sitting on red Vespa, Siena.

Gelato licking, Roma.

Loving you in Florence.