Shaliza Mokhtar

Stopping on the way to Cotswold

Lake District

Wales

Today was one of the rare days that I took too many caffeine and have trouble sleeping. So here I am. I've visited Mr. WC three times in 1.5 hours, brushed my teeth, made love to my husband and still wide awake. Wait a minute. Is it totally appropriate to even say something like the last part? Oh well. At some point you would've figured out how I got knocked up anyway. Just bear with me, I'm having one of those indecency moments.

So every other day that I read comments fed to my email, I'd feel horribly guilty for not saying something back. Thank you, well wishers. Lately I feel like all my creative pursuits are draining out of me. What should I write about? At some point any one of you must've heard something about being pregnant. I have too much time now to watch my bump grows and its like I cannot do anything else without being done with it first. Really, there's nothing much to say about it as I would've expected. The exhaustion period is over and apart from that, I don't feel much different except that I fart more frequently than usual and find it hard not to make a sound. Talk about a magical time...

My mind constantly thinking about my last days in UK though. Yeap, we've decided to go home. Soon, if that's what you're wondering. I have no hesitations about it, but the things that I'm going to miss keep lingering in my mind. I surely gonna miss knowing what I can get for under a tener. Or under a hundred or a thousand for that matter. I will miss having 28 days refund policy. Watching the 7 o'clock news with real input. Spring. The public toilets. The professionalism of people you work with. The big deal of art. Paninis and hot chocolate. The buildings, especially Oxford buildings. The drive on the countryside. Tap water. My gosh, this will be a never ending list.

Certainly I've been spoiled with all of this developed country's life luxury that I fear I'll start becoming a complainer. But truthfully, it's getting lonelier over here. All of our friends are either living somewhere else or enjoying nasi lemak as breakfast in Malaysia and my brother moved to Reading that every single time I see Adam again, I feel like he's a different person. They used to live across my flat and I could just pick him up from my window, but now I don't even know he can say "Whatever.." whenever he dislikes something. Its like children are not taking their own sweet time to grow up anymore.

At one point work feels like all about who's making more money and who can afford more things that I've forgotten the reason I pursued it at the first place. Corporatism really screwed it up. The harder I work the more world reveals itself as being materialistic and greedy. Life is pretty uninspiring. It has become really mundane and comfortable again. It's freakin' boring. I hope soon will be a change. I want to move on and not stuck in this wheel of nothingness.

Gosh, what a pointless entry. I'm too pregnant to be bitter, so I shall not. Something great will happen and soon I'll be sitting on clouds again. Let's see.

So where do I start? How should I deliver this news publicly? Oh screw it.

I'm knocked up. Yes. I'm just over 3 months pregnant and before the end of this year, there will be a little person sleeping in between me and Fakhrul. I'm sure some could've guessed when I wrote this, but it was too early then, I didn't want to jinx it.

I'm not going to be all fake about it, I admit, I was confused and shocked, although all my life I know this would happen one day. The only little happiness I found was knowing that we can conceive naturally. Having to say this, I understand now that I am not instantly maternal and for awhile I was quite somber about it. I was so scared of all the labour stories I've heard, but mostly I kept thinking about things I'll have to let go.

Come on, you know me. You've been reading and seeing me for like what, few years now? Do I look like someone who sits gracefully and knit, wearing jeans with stretch waistband? Its so stupid saying things like this like some ungrateful brat, but that was what I felt then.

I was worried I was going to lose what I have now, losing control. Especially losing my youth. My times taking off from home and head for another world to see, my times to climb a career ladder to get to the top, times jumping on a car with friends and sang our favourite songs out loud without a care in a world and instead, having to settle for the pink or blue of a baby? Life as I know it, has ended.

And then I went home. Saw my family, talked to my friends and met everyone I had to. I listened to stories about how impossible this is to some people and how much this will complete me as a person and more importantly, as a woman. And then I understood the happiness. I can play out how unprepare I am for it all I want, but along the way, I must've secretly wanted it. Otherwise I would've protected myself.

And my youth? I am especially not losing my youth. My youth is growing inside me, moving about when I cough, stretching legs when I sneeze, looking like a bean. My youth is in here, doing well. And it will be great.

I am home again.

I am in a bliss of looking at my mother's plants and the stillness they make when the wind stops. I am hearing the sound of heavy rain again and take pleasure sleeping under its comforting sound. I get excited again when I hear my father's car approaching our green gate for pleasure dining with him again. I can enjoy laughing like mad again because my friends will never stop joking around like we were once 18. I know its hot and humid and my armpits haven't sweat in a year, but in the afternoon when its all shady and quiet, its relieving. The longer I'm home, the more I want to be home permanently.

I remember when I first left for UK, my last day in Malaysia was spent getting busy during the day and in the afternoon Fakhrul and I sat at a mamak's stall in a heavy rain enjoying a bowl of cendol and rojak, trying not to get our feet wet. At that time I thought, what a perfect way to spend my last day in Malaysia before embarking my new journey in the foreign land.

I wonder now, how will I spend my last day in UK?

Yesterday, one year ago.